The love that dare not speak its name

I feel that it is time to come clean and get it out in the open. This may not be a wise idea considering the blog is in its early days and I wouldn’t want to put any of you off reading any further because you are uncomfortable with what I’m about to say. However, there are some things about me that you need to know. I eat tomato ketchup. In fact, not only do I eat it, I bloody love it. Also, I am partial to a Big Mac (yep), and (when no-one is looking) I like to eat cheesy beans from a bowl using only slices of cheap white toast as my cutlery (definitely best done when no-one is looking). People may scoff, but I actually have no shame about any of the above. I hate food snobbery. Hate it. I’m not saying you’ll ever find me in Iceland with Kerry or Stace tossing chicken tikka lasagnes or 2000 choc ices for ONLY £1(!) into my shopping trolley, but I do like a lot of things that I imagine I am not ‘supposed’ to, given that I work in a kitchen. Who says that If you like beans on toast you obviously don’t have an appreciation for foie gras? I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Heinz Tomato Ketchup.

I used to live with a guy (he’s now a priest. Not relevant, just interesting) who ate tomato ketchup with everything. Not breakfast cereal or ice cream, but anything savoury, including roast dinner and curry. I don’t like ketchup that much, however there is no denying that some foods need tomato ketchup. Like chips. Imagine a hot dog without ketchup and mustard. Imagine a bacon sandwich without tomato ketchup. The fact is, tomato ketchup is just what some food needs to make it great. There is an awesome (gastro) pub in Archway in North London called ‘St John’s Tavern’ which has a comfortable and impressive restaurant at the back of the bar, a fantastic menu, great homemade bar snacks, friendly staff, a tremendous bar area, but unfortunately a chef who doesn’t like it if you ask for ketchup to have with your fish and chips. Get over yourself pal. I’ve eaten here and the food is good, really, really good. But if you’re going to serve fish and chips, expect people to ask for ketchup, and don’t be offended by it.

Cadburys Dairy Milk fruit and nut.

Cadbury’s chocolate is awful, however the fruit and nut bar still tastes delicious. How is this?

McDonalds Big Mac.

I know that they’re destroying the planet and brainwashing children under three, and that the golden arches are recognised by more people than the Christian Cross and that underneath all that make up Ronald McDonald is actually the devil incarnate. I know all of this, and yet.....every now and again, nothing beats a Big Mac. I went to Jersey recently to do some work experience at Bohemia (one Michelin star, Sean Rankin, amazing experience) and while there shared a hotel room with a girl called Nina who I’m currently at college with. One afternoon before we went back to the restaurant for the evening shift, I found myself alone with a bit of time on my hands. All of the many and varied options went through my mind, but what I actually did was go straight to McDonalds, got myself a Big Mac meal and ran back to our room with the intention of smashing it all before she got back. Unfortunately she came back to find me only half way through, my face smattered in gherkin, fries and special sauce. Oh the shame. I think I might have been less embarrassed if she’d come back to find me sniffing her knickers. All I have to say is: it was worth it. The real magic of McDonalds is that even though you experience the same shame and indigestion every single time, you always end up going back for more. Genius.

Heinz Cream of Tomato Soup.

Comfort food pure and simple, and with a toasted cheese sandwich on the side, even better. My dad likes it with Parmesan on top (each to their own).

Prawn cocktail.

As in, the popular 70’s starter. Small juicy prawns, iceberg lettuce, served with marie rose sauce and a sprinkling of paprika (these are the basics, although additions such as cucumber are very welcome). The last few times I’ve ordered this while out to eat, even the waiters have sneered at me, let alone the people I’ve been eating with and everyone else in the restaurant. But you know what? I don’t want your oh-so-fashionable goat’s cheese salad. I want prawn cocktail, and until your menu offers me something I want more, I will continue to order it.

Heinz Salad Cream.

Only ever with takeaway pizza, never with salad. Or anything else.

Heinz Baked Beans.

I have made them at home from scratch, and yes they are very good, but you can’t beat the convenience of a tin of Heinz baked beans in the cupboard. If I go for longer than a week without baked beans I start longing for them. My friend Georgea (mentioned previously in ‘Ribs 1 and 2’) just does not understand this at all. I love beans with breakfast and even more so with sausages and mash. Baked beans MAKE a shepherd’s pie, and rather disgustingly, one of my favourite student meals was: cheese (mature cheddar, grated) on tuna (tinned, dolphin friendly obviously) on beans (Heinz) on toast (white). In fact, my last meal, should it ever come to it, would probably be sausage beans and mash. Hot though. I think I’d rather stand on an upturned plug with a thin sock on than eat cold baked beans.

There are more (trifle, Walkers salt and vinegar squares, Batchelors chicken flavour super noodles – suitable for vegetarians, weird), but I’ll leave it at that for now. Just remember, the next time someone passes comment when you reach for the red bottle, just smile sweetly.....and in the nicest possible way, tell them to piss off.