As long as I have been working in commercial kitchens and been thinking about writing a blog which will attempt to throw some light on an area that many people are interested in but very few have access to, I have been pondering the various ‘rules of the kitchen’. They are not really rules, just things that are common to every kitchen I have worked in, no matter how different the chefs are or the food being produced.
1. All KPs (Kitchen porters) look like rapists.
I know I know, controversial. But seriously, they do. None of them look like someone you’d like to meet in a dark alley at night. This is no comment on personality at all. As far as I know, no KP I have ever actually worked with is ACTUALLY a rapist. They have all been lovely people who work their socks off and generally get a bum deal in kitchens, making more than their fair share of the tea and (usually) working hard doing what is fair to say is a pretty shitty job.
2. If you get offended by ANYTHING, get out the kitchen.
If you’re not a fan of jokes based on gender, race, sexuality, or pretty much anything and everything else, just leave. (Some) Chefs are among the most insensitive, cruel and sick people I have ever met and worked with. And I used to work in The City, among stockbrokers.
3. Your ‘little black book’ is as important as your knives.
When you first start in a kitchen, all fresh faced and keen, you get assigned to someone specific, whose job it is to keep an eye on you/get you to do all the shit jobs that they don’t really like doing. If you’re lucky, you will work with someone who, when they see you are interested will show you how to do things properly, give you the opportunity to do new things, and trust you to make things for them. This is where the note book comes in. Said chef is probably already very busy, and the last thing you want to do is piss them off. What is guaranteed to piss anyone off in the kitchen is someone who is given instructions, and does everything wrong because they haven’t listened, or constantly comes back to ask the same questions again and again, ‘sorry, how much sugar was it?’, ‘um, what did you say goes in the pan first? Was it the chicken or your patience?’ So, take notes. Not only will this mean that you can get on with what you’ve been asked to do and leave your unfortunate mentor in peace for longer than five minutes, but even more importantly it means you have a record of everything you have ever cooked and how to create it again.
4. Don’t, under any circumstances touch anyone else’s knives (Unless they have expressly said it is OK).
Nothing is guaranteed to piss Chefs off more. Other than dropping them in the shit during service, or telling them their wife/girlfriend/mum is a bit of a munter.
5. Get used to cleaning.
A lot of people may not realise that for 99% of chefs, half the job involves cleaning up after yourself. If you make a mess, you have to clean it up. KPs will wash up your pans, but chefs have to keep their work stations clean, drawers clean, the hobs and ovens clean, and in many cases the fridges clean also. In good kitchens there is a full clean down after every service, which involves a lot of hot water and soap, anti bacterial cleaner, many clean and dry tea towels, and a lot of elbow grease.
6. Your timer is one of your best friends.
You only need to hear ‘what’s black and lives in the oven??’ shouted at you across the kitchen during a busy service and feel your heart sink as you realise you’ve dropped everyone in the shit and given yourself double the work to make you realise that – excruciatingly - the lecturers at college were right. Always have your timer with you.
7. You may have a degree, you may have been a ‘consultant’, but in here it means nothing.
If you’ve been to university or had a high flying job before where you managed people and did important things with money, when you come into the kitchen for the first time you start at the bottom and it’s a long way to the top. Any respect you get has to be earned on the basis of your abilities and hard graft. A 2:1 to most chefs is a football score, not evidence of your academic ability.
8. Wave goodbye to your social life.
It’s Friday and all of your friends are heading home from work to get changed and head out to your favourite local to enjoy some beers in the rest of the Friday evening sunshine. You however are about to start the second shift of the day, and won’t be done at work until at least 10.30 if you’re lucky. You could go out, but by the time you do they’re all wasted and you have to spend half an hour, plus a small fortune on tequila to get you into the same space. By the time you enter the zone, they want a pizza and to go home. And then you have to get up early to be at work again on Saturday morning.
9. If you have a penchant for Mulberry handbags, get over it fast.
The average apprentice wage is £200 a week. The Mulberry Alexa in Oak Ostrich is £3,750. You do the maths.
10. Working in a kitchen is good for the soul.
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