Hookers, Chicken and The Blues

Snow day in Guernsey. Nope, I didn't believe it possible either, but it's happening. I'm here in the spare room watching the snow swirl around outside, glad of the fact I'm not sitting in a car or walking home any more. I have just about gotten over our trip to London a few weeks ago. Perhaps not financially (that may take a few months), but emotionally and gastronomically, pretty much. There were so many highlights: Seeing my wonderful family and friends, listening to 'Anna Kounikova' sang live in The Blues Kitchen in Camden on my actual birthday, and of course the eating (and drinking). One of the meals will get a post of its own because it utterly deserves it, but this is the best of the rest:

Zuma (Knightsbridge)

http://www.zumarestaurant.com/zuma-landing/london/en/welcome

Highlights: A very, very, very cool bar and restaurant, and my first ever visit. We went on a Friday lunchtime and there was a real buzz about the place. It was packed out, and everything we ate and drank was delicious, from the glass of champagne we had on arrival, to the chilled Sake, to the miso soup served with the Wagyu beef. Sashimi was spectacular (especially the mackerel, which is the best fish in my opinion to eat raw), the sushi was also spot on, the Wagyu beef was, well, Wagyu beef, so it was of course rich and buttery. And the decadent glass of Tokaji (2003) that I sneakily ordered while Diesel was in the bathroom was the icing on the cake. All in all, a very extravagant lunch for a Friday. The other highlight was that we didn't have to go Dutch as it was my birthday. Thank Goodness too, as I did see the bill, and it was eye watering. The photo below is of some prawns wrapped in something I don't remember and deep fried, served with a dashi based dipping sauce. Is there anyone who doesn't like deep fried prawns??

Lowlights: We didn't have the best table, a lot of the courses were brought out at the same time, and we weren't always told what we were being served, which was disappointing. If I go for a pizza I don't expect to be told in Detail what I've just been given, but when you're spending the best part of a ton each on a tasting menu, before drinks and service, for which you aren't given a menu on the table to refer to, a bit of conversation would have been appreciated. Also, it did feel a bit rushed. Minor complaints though because the food and drink were delicious. We didn't spot any Kardashians which wasn't exactly disappointing, but there were lots of impossibly beautiful young Russian models with short, old, balding, unattractive men. From the look of boredom on the ladies faces, I don't think they were there for the sparkling wit and conversation. It's not that I mind being surrounded by hookers when eating expensive raw fish, it's just that it feels a bit unusual. Or maybe that's just me. Anyway...

Chicken Shop (Highgate)

http://www.chickenshop.com/

Highlights: Pretty much everything. The menu couldn't be more simple (Spit roasted chicken, either whole, half or quarter, four side dishes to choose from, three desserts, and red or white wine in three price brackets. That's literally it.) The service was warm and friendly, attentive, quick, just generally exactly what you wish it was every time you go out to eat. We went without a booking, with two toddlers under four, and five adults, and everyone (from the under twos to the over sixtys) couldn't get over how good the food was. Chicken and chips is one of my favourite things anyway, as it reminds me of some of our first visits to Spain, where I had garlic chicken and chips together for the same time (to a five year old from the Midlands on holiday in Spain at the end of the 80's, that seemed pretty fucking exotic, believe me). I can still taste it now. Sides: Corn on the cob came slathered in butter, avocado and bib lettuce salad offered a necessary bit of greenery (I am still in the throes of a protracted love affair with avocado). Coleslaw was fresh and not drowned in mayonnaise, chips were hot and crispy and seasoned perfectly, and the hot sauce (blow your nuts off) and chipotle hot sauce (deeply smoky) went perfectly. The absolute highlight was the family sized apple pie that was brought straight out to us from the kitchen, straight from the oven, and served at the table to us individually, with one of those huge spoons more commonly found in school canteens. All puddings (the apple pie, the lemon cheese cake and hot chocolate brownie) come with vanilla ice cream and an enormous jug of double cream (yes, we tried them all). I am not joking when I say that this is the best apple pie I have EVER EATEN. There are no photo's of it because it was eaten far too quickly. Nursery food at its absolute best. Next time I go to London, I am going to get here at lunchtime, eat all afternoon, drink lots of wine, and roll out just in time for bed. If you take anything I say seriously,  please visit this place. Cheers.



Lowlights: Really struggling here...the wine was served in a white jug into tumblers, which I know is all the rage and that but it's just not my sort of thing. That's probably about it, and that isn't really a complaint. It was a bit of a bastard to find (there isn't exactly a name above the door) which was frustrating because we were hungry and hung-over, but I suppose that's not really a problem because it makes it feel all the more like some sort of secret club. Let's be honest, this place won't win any Michelin stars, but that's not the point of chicken and chips. The only other lowlight I can really think of is that it's so far away from Guernsey.

Hong Kong Diner (Soho)

http://hkdinerlondon.com/

Highlights: Roasted crispy belly pork with crackling as thin as glass, stir fried pak choi with garlic and ginger, soft shell crab and hot and sour soup.

Lowlights: The goyza were a bit disappointing, the service is...interesting, and it certainly isn't a glamorous place to eat. This was my second trip to this restaurant, my first with a hangover and my first with someone who doesn't really like Chinese food. I had to do all the ordering (which was in itself a bit stressful), but I somehow managed to order the right amount of food (a revelation), nothing came in a thick and gloopy sauce, and although you're in the heart of China town, sitting in one of the booths felt like a little retreat from the madness of Soho, and the food was just as good as I remembered it. Double thumbs up.

The Blues Kitchen Camden (Camden)

http://www.theblueskitchen.com/

Highlights: Chicken wings that tasted as good as the ones we had every day in California, a HUGE portion of beef ribs for £10 (Monday nights are rib nights), having dinner with Chris, Caz and Dave, and seeing a school friend (http://www.oliverdarling.com/) play the guitar and sing for a few hours. It really was the perfect way to spend a birthday. All rounded off by late night mojitos in a dodgy bar in Camden. Now that's what I call turning 28 2013!



Lowlights: The service was disorganised, but very friendly, and there was a huge group in for a works party who made more noise than I think I have ever heard any group make, ever. Other than that, no complaints at all.

Dinner Chez Faulkner (Finchley, it's not easy to get a table here though I'm afraid)

Highlights: Watching Romaine teach my four year old niece how to plait hair, watching my nephew take his first unaided steps, eating a wonderful chilli made by my fabulous brother (made with shin of beef, slow cooked for three days, pinto beans, can of larger, amazing), guacamole made by Romaine, chocolate cake, seeing my Mum, staying up late drinking red wine.



Lowlights: Don't be ridiculous.



Mora Guernsey

On good authority, last week Diesel and I went to Mora (St Peter Port Guernsey) for dinner, after promises of hanging legs of ham, numerous cosy booths (I love a good booth), good wine, good tapas and friendly staff. I've been to Mora once or twice before, both times when someone else was paying, both times I have been very glad of that fact. It is not that I found either experience that awful (well the second one was, but that was more to do with the arsehole sat opposite), it's just that like so many places in Guernsey, it has an uninspiring menu, serves average quality food, and charges far more than it should.

The whole downstairs of Mora has recently undergone quite a significant refurbishment, and they have a new menu:

http://mora.gg/brasserie/

They have moved the bar from one end of the building to the other, creating a curved brick ceiling at the front of the bar, and adding booths with stained glass partitions (why?). I guess the idea is that it feels more cosy, like a wine cellar or similar, straight out of Italy. My feeling is that they're not fooling anybody. Other than the brick ceiling, it reminded me of some of the better examples of the UK pub chain that rhymes with 'netherspoons'. However, despite all this, we enjoyed a very warm welcome from three staff who had very little else to do (it was an exceptionally quiet night) and had a drink at the bar, which annoyingly was not furnished with any hooks for handbags. If you don't carry a handbag/do carry one but don't care if it goes on the floor this won't be a problem. As I do, and I do, it was. One vodka and tonic (Britvic tonic, again, why?), and some complementary olives and a few slices of ham later, we were taken to our (large) table. Incidentally the 'San Daniele' ham was freshly carved, and is the (almost) only reason I will be returning to Mora again. More of that later.

Shortly after sitting down, our selection from the tapas menu arrived smelling fantastic (fried chorizo smells pretty sexy wherever you are). We were sat in a booth at a table that would easily seat 4, although it didn't feel it once we had been presented with the various long wooden boards onto which the tiny white plates containing our food was perched. Once everything had arrived it looked like we were about to decide the strategy for a battleship invasion. I know that this is a presentation thing, and yes they did look nice, but surely that's only half the point. I don't think a lot of Chef's sit down in the restaurants that they cook for and actually experience what it is like to sit down, order and eat. Which they should. Even if just to understand what the practicalities are of the things they serve their food on. Once we'd had a shuffle round (taking everything off the boards and relegating them to the end of the table) we could focus on the food.

The tapas was at best, average, and at worst, quite unpleasant. calamari with chorizo (not chewy, but that's the most memorable thing about it), chorizo on toast with a sweet balsamic reduction which was welcome, which in itself was a revelation as it never usually is. Tiny red peppers, skinned and stuffed with white crab meat mixed with mayonnaise, which were warm, and disgusting. Who thought this up? Has anyone ever served this before? Warm and crispy flat bread (delicious, second best thing we ate), sliced white bread (fresh-ish, but not warm) bread sticks in cellophane (try harder), and more of the amazing ham, which we then ordered more of. Additionally we had some grilled goats cheese with rocket, which was nice. But it isn't exactly tapas. And I can't understand why it was on a tapas menu, when other more obvious items were not. More important items. Like white anchovies. And Spanish Omelette (I don't know why everyone is so sniffy about Spanish Omelette, it's delicious). The second most offensive item for me, was the tomato and red onion salad.

I take issue with most Guernsey restaurants in general, because they often overlook one  of the most important parts of the whole 'providing people with nice things to eat' game - sourcing ingredients. For too many restaurants, a tomato is just a tomato. Chicken is just chicken. When of course, it is not. And from an island famous for (amongst other things) it's tomatoes, I find this surprising and disappointing. I know it is winter time, but I also know that even during the Winter it is possible to get hold of deep red, ripe tomatoes that taste like tomato, if you are particular with your suppliers and you are prepared to pay a bit more for them. And if you can't get hold of them, don't serve them, especially if you're going to charge the best part of £4 for what probably equates to one and a half unripe tomatoes and a bit of sliced red onion. As we has ordered a selection of meaty, fishy, spicy, garlicky, cheesy plates, I thought a tomato salad would be a nice accompaniment. A bit of sweetness and acidity to cut through it all. And it would have been, had the tomatoes been anywhere near ripe.

I won't go into great detail about the wine because we just had a nice bottle of Rioja (nothing too expensive or exciting), and a bottle of water. I can't be exact about how much it all cost because I scored a hat trick and avoided the PDP machine for my third visit also, but if I had to guess, I'd say it was about £30 a head, including drinks.

I know that this isn't exactly a positive review, but I will be going back. The few things that Mora gets a thumbs up for, are in my opinion enough of a reason for a second visit. First of all, the staff were friendly and attentive, and made it clear from the moment we arrived that they really cared about whether we were having a good time. Admittedly it was a quiet night (something that I am sure will change), but we didn't have to wait for anything at all, and all requests were greeted with a smile. There aren't many places in Guernsey I can say that about. Secondly: the wine. The list was sensibly priced, and the bottle we ordered was very enjoyable. Speaking as someone who doesn't know an awful lot about wine (I know what I like, and not a lot else), it isn't somewhere I would come for the wine only if I did, but there was a reasonable variety, and options to suit most wallets. Lastly, and most importantly, the freshly cut San Daniele Ham. It was just awesome. Along with a few olives, and that fantastic flat bread, I can't think of anything better to accompany the occasionally compulsory 'drinks after work', or to bridge the long gap between Sunday breakfast and Sunday dinner. I'll have Mora that any day of the week.

The most important thing...

...about writing a blog is consistency. Wise words from a good friend of mine (I might have mentioned this before). Obviously, I took that advice, and promptly ignored it. Stupidly. The problem I have come up against is that maintaining a blog is bloody hard work. Sometimes I feel like writing something, editing it, fretting over it, rewording it, fretting some more, and then posting it. And then other times, I am either too tired, too busy, or just can't be bothered.



Since my last post I have done lots of exciting things: wine tasting in Cornwall, a week's holiday in California, been proposed to and said yes, seen the first of my school friends get married, eaten some amazing food at the first pub in the UK to get a Michelin star, gone on a diet, fallen off a diet, fallen in love with almonds, stopped drinking cows milk, drank straight from the bottle of a Jeroboam of Crystal champagne, and decided, in my wisdom, not to write about any of it.

Recently, Diesel and I hit upon the idea of writing a blog together. The premise being that we would write about the same restaurant experiences and post our reviews side by side. In his words 'a layman's and an expert's view'. First of all, I am no expert. Secondly, this is a concept that is already featured in a UK food magazine and doubtless thousands of other food blogs out there. Thirdly, what happened the day after Diesel mentioned it. I told him I thought it was a great idea, and suggested that he send me his copy re a restaurant we ate at the night before. He looked into the middle distance, muttered a non committal 'yeah, maybe' and then walked off to get a beer. I can't say I'm surprised. Nonetheless, I kept up my half and wrote the review, and decided that as I had written it I might as well post it (to follow).

Additional to this, I will post a selection of food shots from the last year that I want to share (just because I stopped writing doesn't mean I stopped eating and taking pictures), and this weekend have two food experiences I am so excited about I can barely contain myself. I won't say any more at this point in case it takes me another year to post them, but right now, I fully intend to. If my favourite Welsh/Canadian friend ever reads this, you are my biggest inspiration as I feel like I NEED to share these experiences with you, and as we are regrettably so far apart this feels like the best way to do it.

Thanks for reading.

The Dark(er) Side

What with the longer nights and Halloween just gone and the world plunging into ever deeper financial crisis, I thought I’d share with you a few items that really tap into the mood of the moment. I’m sitting here on my uncomfortable sofa in my living room in cold windy Guernsey, tapping away to Jazz FM (Diesel is bowling so I get to spend my evening TV free. I almost feel like a student again. Except I’m not wearing my coat indoors), full of beans, enjoying a large glass of Merlot. I’ll try and get it all out my system so the next post is a bit more cheery.

Dinner

It was totally filthy and wrong, in a ‘South American slasher film, directed by Heinz, guest starring a bit of classic British sauce and a fiery Mexican with a lot of bottle’ kind of a way. Brown toast, spread with a generous layer of garlic and herb Philadelphia, sprinkled with a very liberal application of jalapeno peppers, piping baked beans, HP sauce, fresh black pepper, chipotle Tabasco and celery salt. Don’t ask me where I got my inspiration from, like I said, it must be time of the year or a full moon or something. It was delicious. Go on, I dare you.

‘Adopt a Pig’

Maybe it’s me, but does the word ‘adoption’ really marry very well with anything that you may at some point in the future want to kill and eat? Reading ‘Food and Travel’ (November 2011 edition) the other day I came across an advert for ‘Yorkshire Meats’ (www.yorkshiremeats.co.uk) who have taken the whole responsible eating idea and taken it, in my view, a step too far. I am passionate about eating quality meat from animals that have been treated with respect and not factory farmed and all the rest of it, so much so that I’m happy to eat far less meat than ever and pay more for it (it should definitely cost more than £6 to produce a chicken).

This however does not mean that I want to name the animal I’m going to eat, receive regular e-mails on its progress, a photo of it as an adorable piglet and at six month intervals until the day I decide it looks fat enough to go off to get murdered. I mean Christ, if eating meat isn’t barbaric enough; surely it’s worse if you want to eat one that you have ‘adopted’. I believe everyone should see an animal get slaughtered - even just once. If you can’t come face to face with the reality then you shouldn’t eat meat. And it is horrific, awful, and I have great respect for people who do the dirty work and the animals themselves, but everyone needs distance. If I adopted a pig, named it Dave, had it’s ‘first day at big school’ photos stuck to the fridge and received regular e-mails informing me about how he’s getting on with the other pigs, when the time came I’d probably rather invest in a plot of land and a cosy shed for Dave to live out his days until nature took its course. Adopt a pig? You make me sick.

Man vs Food

(http://www.travelchannel.com/TV_Shows/Man_V_Food)

For anyone who has not watched this before, the show essentially revolves around a chubby New York chef eating his way around The States focussing on all known food related extremes. The hottest, the biggest, the spiciest, the fattest...you get the picture. This TV show demonstrates perfectly everything that is wrong with our relationship with food in the West. And yet I just can’t get enough of it. It is disgusting, ridiculous, repetitive, but it is also far and away my favourite food show on TV at the moment. There have been so many TV shows on in recent years that focus on angry chefs, high end food, and ‘the toughest, most intense, biggest competition ever, part 10’ blah, blah, blah, that I’ve almost had enough. In any case it hasn’t been the same since we lost the late great Floyd (I met him once, I’ll tell you about it another day).

I can only compare it to spending all day walking round the National Gallery with a guide who has a PHD in art history and a one-time captive audience, and then at 5pm, running out into Trafalgar Square, taking all your clothes off and jumping into an enormous bath of jelly with Grayson Perry and Tracey Emin who get you drunk on Champagne and tickle you with enormous feathers. You know it’s wrong, but you’re doing it because it feels nice. I know this TV show is awful, but it feels really nice. My brain may be melting out my ears, but at least I’ll go with a smile on my face.

www.thisiswhyyourefat.com

Now no longer working it would appear. I did find a few classics on this blog though:

http://www.bite.ca/bitedaily/2010/08/best-of-this-is-why-youre-fat/

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

Hedone

http://www.hedonerestaurant.com/

I only add this here because it is a bit frightening (tenuous link I know) how excited I am about an upcoming hot (birthday inspired) lunch date I have with Romaine Butler at new(ish) restaurant ‘Hedone’ in Chiswick. To say I am excited about this is something of an understatement. I heard about it in AA Gill’s review in the Sunday Times this week (I may have mentioned I’m a massive fan once or twice) and he gave it five stars for both food and atmosphere. That was all the encouragement I needed. Amazingly I got a table no problem, but watch this space people. I’ve been frantically doing all the research I can on this place and I think we’ll be hearing a lot more about it as it becomes more established. What makes this place so exciting for me is that it is owned and run by a blogger with a passion for sourcing perfect produce. Rumour has it he spent a whole year before opening day researching and deciding which suppliers he was going to use. One review I read called this place a ‘food nerd’s paradise’. Unfortunately the website is pretty shite, so I’ve taken what I can from other bloggers and reviews. I think it’ll be an expensive one so I’ll make sure I quaff enough wine to make the bill ‘hilarious’ rather than ‘terrifying’, and if I’m brave enough I’ll try and take a few photos to post here as well. If excitement was fake tan, right now in an orange room you would only be able to see my teeth and eyes.

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/restaurants/review-23973822-hedone-w4---review.do

Feed

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0445965/

I’ll leave this with you. It’s a food based horror film, and it is Absolutely Disgusting. If you do watch it, do not, I repeat, DO NOT watch it clutching a bag of popcorn. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Alice in The Lazy Cow

http://www.thelazycowwarwick.co.uk/

Every so often, you have a perfect meal. This was not one of them, but before you think I’m about to go on a ranting whinge about bad food and worse service etc. etc. etc. I am not. The meal I am about to tell you about was not perfect, but it was wonderful in many ways...painful in others, and very weird. What made it perfect was the food (more of that later) and the company. I was with my wonderful, wonderful friend Jodie. Just look at her pretty smiling face.

And here, smashing a 4 inch tall burger in a one-er. A brave move, but unbelievably she managed it.

What made it painful was the fact that I was hanging from the night before. It is enough to say that the last thing I did before I dragged myself upstairs into my childhood bed was eat cold leftover curry out of the foil carton with my hands.

What made it weird was the fact that from the moment we crossed the threshold it felt like we had fallen deep into the rabbit hole. I really liked this place. I liked it a lot, and I will definitely be going back. The decor is lots of wood and glass and carpeted walls and leather and pretty, young, cool and trendy helpful staff in long black aprons. The menu is reassuringly small, with an emphasis on beef and various cuts and tenderising techniques and origins (I imagine this was the idea behind the name).

It all started with the drinks. We were both feeling a bit delicate, so we started with the standard double drink order (obviously). I ordered a sparkling water which arrived no problem, and then a Bloody Mary, which took quite some time to arrive, and when it did, well, it wasn’t a Bloody Mary. When the server brought it to the table and placed it in front of me, she asked whether I would like some Worcester sauce and Tabasco. Was I missing something here? Obviously I want Worcester sauce and Tabasco. Otherwise I would have ordered a vodka and tomato juice, which is what you have just put in front of me, which isn’t a Bloody Mary. So, um, yes, I would definitely like some Worcester sauce and Tabasco. This is what arrived:

My first question was, ‘am I on acid?’ My second question was, ‘Since when have Tabasco bottles of that size been available and why didn’t I know about it?’ Worcester sauce in a miniature gravy jug? What was going on here? I appreciate the novelty, don’t get me wrong, but if I’m going to pay you £6 to make me a drink, is it too much to expect that you actually make it? Also, what is with the proportions in this restaurant? Just look at the size of the knives!

I ordered beef Carpaccio to start (truffle oil, parmesan, watercress, black pepper and beef fillet how I would do it – seared on the outside, cut about 5 millimetres thick and flattened by the back of the knife) and sticky beef with noodles, coriander, cashews, spring onions and chilli. A bit beef heavy I grant you, but as I was in a pub called ‘The Lazy Cow’ and Diesel informs me that in years to come we will all be eating insects, and ‘meat’ as we know it will become a thing of the past, I thought - fuck it. My sticky beef was tremendous. Hot and spicy, sweet, crunchy vegetables, noodles, it was just ruddy bloody awesome. Perfect for a hangover, but...it arrived in an American style take out box, on a plate. That was something else about ‘The Lazy Cow’, and about a lot of places in London at the moment – gimmicks. Just serve me noodles in a bowl, I don’t want to tip out my noodles onto the plate and have to struggle to find somewhere on the table for the takeout box, four drinks, candles, postcards, enormous bottle of Tabasco and gravy jug full of Worcester sauce. Jodie had salt and pepper squid (I can’t fault how it was cooked but I would have appreciated some chilli sauce instead of the mayonnaise), and a burger, chips and an enormous gherkin. The burger looked A May Zing, and the chips (I had to try one, OK two. OK three) were the third best chips I’ve ever eaten (behind the chips at ‘The Bull and Last’ in Hampstead and the chips at Heston Blumenthal’s ‘Dinner’).

 

So the food was without a doubt - good. A few other features included a very good looking wine cellar, free sweets, a large dining room, and the final oddity, our bill brought to us in an old book (what’s wrong with a silver tray?) Still, on the whole it’s just me being picky. It was the best lunch I’ve had for a long time. Alice and the white rabbit would definitely approve.